


How to Make Friends and Blast Others into a SHIELD Holding Cell

by TaleasOldasTimeandSpace



Series: Adventures of Darcy and Balrog [6]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Balrog the Bilgesnipe strikes again, Crack, Darcyland, Fluff and Crack, Gen, bonding through beating up goons, special appearances by Palpatine the taser and Glamdring the croquet mallet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 06:33:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12163431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace/pseuds/TaleasOldasTimeandSpace
Summary: Pepper is always up for making new friends, especially since the Avengers & Co. need all the girls they can get.  She just wasn't expecting this particular exercise in friend-making to be quite so involved.Or life-threatening.





	How to Make Friends and Blast Others into a SHIELD Holding Cell

**Author's Note:**

> For [valkeriegunn](http://valkeriegunn.tumblr.com/) on tumblr, who asked (a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away):
> 
> Can we get a Balrog meets Pepper and maybe another of someone attacking Darcy and Balrog defending her or the tower?

Pepper Potts was good at taking things in stride.  After all, she would never have survived as Tony Stark’s personal assistant if she couldn’t handle a little weird now and again.  And that was _before_ he became a superhero and aliens invaded.  

Sometimes she almost missed the halcyon days of crazy inventions and wild parties.

Not really, but she couldn’t deny that life before superheroes and supervillains and _aliens_ had been, not _better,_ necessarily, but unquestionably simpler.  But then, simple was boring.  What was not boring was the collection of people, powered and otherwise, that Tony had managed to assemble around himself.

The latest addition to Tony’s cohort, the amazingly brilliant astrophysicist Jane Foster, came equipped with her own cohort.  Namely, her alien boyfriend, Thor—though Pepper had him mentally cross-indexed with Tony through the Avengers—her intern/handler/probably-the-only-reason-she-hadn’t-killed-herself-doing-Science!, Darcy Lewis, and Darcy’s Yukon Elk Hound, Balrog.

As the CEO of Stark Industries, Pepper hadn’t had the chance yet to meet the Foster Contingent—running a multi-billion-dollar company was time-consuming, to say the least—but she’d heard stories.  Lots of stories.  She wasn’t sure if she should concerned or intrigued.  Knowing the type of people Tony associated with, probably both.  She’d find out for herself soon, one way or the other.  They were supposed to be at Tony’s latest team-building activity—which was Stark-speak for party—and she was cautiously looking forward to getting to know Jane and Darcy.  With any luck, they’d be up to joining Girls’ Night with her, Natasha, Helen, Wanda, and Hill.  There was always room for more.

Tony’s parties had come a long way from the early days.  They were now made up of people he could stand to be around, drunk or sober—not that he would ever admit it, but Pepper was fluent in the Stark psyche, and she knew he actually _liked_ the people in his life now.  And while there were still the occasional shenanigans, there was nothing that would end up in the tabloids the next day.

Except for that one race around New York between Tony, Rhodey, Sam, Thor, Wanda, and Vision.  But Steve argued it was good publicity for the Avengers.  Especially since Wanda had won.

Pepper had heard good-natured grumbling from Tony _and_ Rhodey about that little turn-up for _weeks._

The elevator doors open, releasing her into a sea of tastefully-dressed Avengers, Avengers Associates, and Stark Industries employees.  Most of them were on the dance floor, but there were clusters of people at the bar and scattered around the perimeter of the room.  Tony was on the far side of the room, gesturing wildly as he argued—that is, talked—with an amused Sam.  If Pepper knew her fiancee, he was probably trying to convince Sam to let him upgrade the Falcon wings.  In Tony’s expert opinion, there was no such thing as “unnecessary upgrades”.

He looked like he was going to be occupied for a while, so Pepper returned to her original plan of tracking down the newbies.  She’d done her research and knew what they looked like, it was just a matter of finding them.  Making her way to the bar, she spotted one of her targets.

Dr. Foster's assistant sat on one of the tall stools, foot swinging in time to the music while she sipped from a large mug.  Pepper snagged the stool next to her and held out a hand.  ‘Darcy Lewis, I presume?’

Darcy's head snapped around, swallowing what Pepper suspected would have otherwise been a spit-take.  ‘YES.’  She winced as her voice came out louder than she'd intended.  Setting her mug on the bar, she cleared her throat and grabbed the hand Pepper still held out.  ‘I mean, uh, yes, that's me, Darcy Lewis, Science!gremlin extraordinaire.  And you're Pepper Potts.  You’re so cool!  It's an honour to meet you!’  She realized she was still enthusiastically pumping Pepper's hand and let go abruptly.

Pepper grinned.  ‘How are you enjoying the Tower?’

Darcy bounced on her stool.  ‘It's _amazing._ Jane's been drooling over the equipment so much I've had to start mopping regularly to keep the lab from flooding.  And the _gadgets!_  I mean, obviously, it makes sense since Tony Stark built the place, but _still!_  I think the coffee maker is smarter than I am!’  Glancing around conspiratorially, she leaned closer and added, ‘It might almost be as smart as Jane, and that's saying something!’

‘Where is Dr. Foster?  I was hoping to meet her tonight, too.’

Darcy grimaced.  ‘Good luck with that.  It’s all Thor and I can do to get her to come to these shindigs, so generally she sticks to him like glue.’  She nodded to the dancefloor, and Pepper caught a glimpse of Thor and a petite brunette that had to be Dr. Foster doing a very respectable foxtrot through the crowd of dancers.  ‘They’re going to be there all night.  Honestly, your best bet would be swinging by the lab.’

‘Well, I’ll have to do that, then.’

‘Cool!’  Darcy nodded, grinning.  ‘Cool.  Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.  Cool.  I, uh, I’m going to stop saying that now.’  She grabbed her mug and took a long pull.

Pepper nodded to the mug.  ‘What’s your poison?’

‘I’m not much of a drinker, but my girl Mabel here makes a killer hot chocolate.’  Darcy held up a hand, and the bartender reached over and gave her a high-five.

‘The secret is my homemade whipped cream and mini marshmallows.  That and the cocoa powder my uncles import.’

‘How are the Stans these days?’

‘Hunting sea monsters in the South Pacific, last I heard.’

Darcy tipped her mug towards Mabel in a salute.  ‘Nice.’

‘Right?  Can I get you anything, Miss Potts?’ Mabel asked, turning to Pepper with a wide smile.

‘How can I say no to killer hot chocolate?  Then I’m afraid I’d better go and distract Tony before he tries to give Sam’s wings an AI.’

* * *

 

When Pepper poked her head into Dr. Foster’s lab the next day, Darcy was leaning back in her chair with her feet propped on her desk, filling out a stack of paperwork.  Loud banging noises indicated that Dr. Foster was working on something somewhere in the back of the lab.

At least, Pepper hoped that’s what it meant.

Darcy glanced up, waving brightly when she caught sight of Pepper.  ‘Janie!’ she yelled over her shoulder.  ‘Make yourself presentable and get out here!  We’ve got company!’

‘Good company, “Tony quit bothering me I’m doing actual Science! unlike some people” company, or “prepare to repel boarders” company?’

‘Definitely the good kind.’

Dr. Foster’s head appeared around the corner.  She was decidedly less presentable than she’d been the night before, her hair in a messy bun and grease and oil streaked across her face.  Somehow, it suited her just as much as the fancy dress she’d been wearing at the party.  She brightened when she saw Pepper.  ‘Pepper Potts, right?  Welcome to Casa Del Foster.’

Darcy rolled her eyes.  ‘I know you sleep in here almost as often as Balrog, but that still doesn’t make it your house, Jane.  And anyway, it would be Casa _De_ Foster, not _del._ ’

The doctor shrugged.  ‘Sue me.  I took Latin in college, not Spanish.’

‘Score one for dead languages, I guess.’

Pepper held out a hand.  ‘Linguistics aside, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Dr. Foster.’

‘Likewise.  Please, call me Jane.  I’d shake your hand, but, well…’  She held up her hands, which were coated in grime.

‘I see your point.  In that case,’ Pepper held up her hand in the Vulcan salute, ‘live long and prosper.’

Jane cocked her head, then grinned.  Returning the salute, she replied, ‘Peace and long life.’

Darcy came up to Jane and slung an arm around her shoulders, disregarding the grease stains entirely.  ‘See?  Told you she was awesome.’

‘You did, yes.’  Jane patted Darcy’s hand and then ducked out from her arm.  ‘I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m working on something right now that I really shouldn’t leave half-done.  It could get...messy.  Darcy can show you around in the meantime.’

Darcy tossed her a salute.  ‘Will do, boss lady.’  Spreading her arms wide, she spun to encompass the whole room.  ‘Welcome to the Mullet.’

‘The what now?’  Pepper couldn’t have heard that right.

‘IT’S LAB 12!’ Jane had already disappeared, her yell coming from the depths of the lab.

Darcy rolled her eyes.  ‘The Mullet, otherwise known as Lab 12.  If you’re a mad scientist with no sense of humour.’

Jane’s disembodied voice continued to chip in.  ‘I have a great sense of humour.  Thor thinks I’m hilarious!’

‘Thor is an alien with no concept of Earth humour.  He thinks infomercials are hilarious.’

Pepper was almost afraid to interrupt their argument and draw their attention back to herself,  but she hadn’t gotten where she was today by hiding in the corner.  ‘Why the Mullet?’

‘Because.’  Darcy waved at the desk and suspiciously neat worktable.  ‘Up here we fool people into thinking we have an actual, grown-up-type lab.  Back there,’ she jerked a thumb to where Jane was tinkering with something that to the untrained eye looked like a pile of used parts, ‘we’ve got the Science!, mad and otherwise—wormholes, reality splitters, explosions, you name it.  Also pop tarts.’

Pepper grinned.  ‘I get it—business in front, party in the back!’

Darcy’s eyes went huge.  ‘Just when I thought you couldn’t get any cooler, you start speaking my language!  You hear that Jane?  That’s what a sense of humour sounds like!’

‘Yeah, whatever.  Don’t forget I’m your favourite!’

‘Always, Boss Lady.’  She turned to Pepper, cocking her head.  ‘Do you prefer Senior Boss Lady, She Who Must Be Obeyed, or Your Highness?’

Pepper’s lips twitched.  ‘Um, how about we just stick with Pepper?’

‘Suit yourself.  If you’ll follow me, I’ll give you the grand tour.  That mostly involves pointing out features of interest, like this tastefully-framed picture of Angus Macgyver—as played by Richard Dean Anderson, the One True MacGyver, natch—the patron saint of mullets and scientists with a shoestring budget.  Or just a shoestring.  Tony gave it to us as a lab-warming present.’  The picture was framed in paperclips and hung on the wall behind Darcy’s desk.  A Swiss Army knife held pride of place beneath it.  

Pepper squinted at it thoughtfully.  ‘I think he’s got a matching one of Samantha Carter in his lab.  Only hers is framed in microchips.’

‘The Nerd Queen of SG1?  I knew there was a reason I liked the man.’

‘I know there’s a reason I tolerate the man—money for research.’  Jane glared pointedly at Darcy over the top of her pile of ju—err, machine.  ‘Now if only I had an intern who actually interned instead of schmoozing with the top brass.’

Darcy sniffed.  ‘Less witty commentary and more changing our understanding of the universe, if you please.’  Returning to Tour Guide Darcy mode, she told Pepper, ‘I’d advise staying well back from any and all of Jane’s gadgets.  You never know which ones are lurking, lulling you into thinking they’re broken, only to spring to life and suck you into an alternate reality.  At that point, your only hope of getting home is hoping that the Doctor is feeling generous that day.’

‘The Doctor?  Doctor who?’

Darcy grinned evilly.  ‘I’m telling him you said that.  Doctor Strange.  I’m sure you’ve heard of Tony’s long-lost facial hair twin.’

‘Oh, Stephen.  I know him from fundraiser galas way back.  I’d forgotten he was a superhero now.’

Jane snickered, the sound echoing oddly due to the fact that she currently had her head stuck in what looked like a metal drum.  ‘Don’t let him hear you call him “superhero.”’

Darcy nodded.  ‘Wise words from a smart lady.  Now, if I could turn your attention to the northwest corner, you should be able to catch a glimpse of the Mullet’s mascot and my personal pride and joy, Balrog.  Balrog, come say hello to our dread-yet-benevolent overlord.’  There was a rustle, and then, from a pile of cloth that bore a suspicious resemblance to one of Thor’s cloaks, rose a creature unlike anything Pepper had ever seen before.  And she’d seen a lot.

Pepper Potts was good at taking things in stride, but the thing coming toward her made her wish—briefly, crazily—that she still had the Extremis in her system.  Just in case.  The thing—Balrog, it had to be Balrog—paused several feet away, watching her with what could only be described as a smirk.  Pepper swallowed hard, then, conscious of the eyes of everyone in the lab on her, she forced herself to relax, holding out a hand for him to sniff.  Hey, it worked with dogs.  ‘Nice to meet you, Balrog.’  

Balrog made a show of sniffing her hand delicately, but she got the impression that he was only doing it to humour her.

‘So when Tony said Balrog was a Yukon Elk Hound, he was exercising artistic license?’

Jane snorted.  ‘That’s one way of putting it.  Another might be “questionable sense of humour.”’

‘To be fair,’ Darcy added, absently resting a hand between Balrog’s antlers as he came to lean against her, ‘there isn’t a category for “bilgesnipe” under the New York leash laws.  Most everyone is used to us now—the screaming died down pretty quick once they realized he wasn’t actually going to eat anyone.’  He made a cuffing grunt in the back of his throat, and she nudged his shoulder with her hip.  ‘The terror wore off soon after that, once his true nature as a lazy narcissist with a suspiciously finicky palate was revealed.  Stephen did teach me a glamour that makes him look like a malamute with mange, but it itches, so we mostly only use it when somebody narcs on us.’

Pepper blinked at the torrent of information.  Before she could respond, there was a concussive _boom_ and the lights winked out.  Almost immediately the red emergency lights kicked in.

Jane was already moving, snatching four sets of goggles off the wall as she yelled, ‘Prepare to repel boarders, Darcy!’  Darcy obediently grabbed a long-handled hammer from a stand in the corner.  

Wait, that wasn’t a hammer.  It was engraved with what looked like swirling runes and knotwork and bound in metal, but it was definitely a croquet mallet.  Weird.  

Jane tossed two pairs of goggles to Darcy and the third to Pepper.  ‘Do you know about the Disco Party Protocol?’ she asked as she pulled on the fourth pair of goggles.

Pepper slowly put on the goggles.  ‘No…?’

Darcy had already donned her goggles and was fitting the last pair on Balrog.  He shook his head to settle them, then darted over to the door.  It was startling how quickly and _quietly_ he moved.  ‘It’s one of Tony’s new security measures,’ Darcy said, straightening up and pulling a taser from a holster hidden under her sweater.  ‘If the power gets cut, the generators automatically kick in and trigger a selection of strobe lights right about...now.  The goggles cancel that out, so the invaders are blinded, but we aren’t.’

Pepper grinned.  ‘Have I mentioned my fiancee’s a genius?’  She tapped her bracelet, and an Iron Maiden glove (Jane was right—Tony _did_ have a weird sense of humour.  He was also incapable of passing up a rock music reference) unfolded around her hand.  She could activate the full suit if necessary, but for now the single repulsor blast would be enough.  She hoped.

‘I never would have guessed,’ Jane said dryly.  She grabbed a device that looked like a small cannon from one of the worktables.  

Darcy cocked her head.  ‘Is that the Portal Gun?’

‘Yup.  Finally got it working, and Hill set up a containment unit for me to dump jack-booted thugs of the non-SHIELD variety.  I’ve been waiting for a chance to test it out!’

‘Groovy.  This is going to be fun!’

Pepper got the feeling their definitions of fun differed greatly.  ‘You made a Portal gun?’

‘That’s just what Darcy calls it.  Because _apparently_ Miniature Limited-Range Einstein-Rosen Bridge Generator is “clunky.”’

Darcy patted Jane’s head.  ‘It’s okay, it’s not your fault your many talents stop short of catchy names.  That’s what you keep me around for.’

Jane smirked as she and Pepper followed Darcy to the door.  ‘I thought I kept you around to supply me with coffee and pop tarts.’

‘That too.  My skills are varied.’  Darcy rubbed Balrog between the antlers.  ‘Balrog, you take point.  Jane, Pepper, take cover behind the desks.  We’ll hold them at the bottleneck, and you can get any that make it past us.’

‘The concept of the gun is actually based on a combination Strange’s sling ring and my own research,’ Jane continued quietly as they took up their positions.   _‘Just_ the concept, mind you, since he’s refused to actually let me study his ring.’

‘Jane, sweetie, I’ve told you—you need to let it go.  The man is not going to let you dissect his toys.’

Jane opened her mouth to retort, but Balrog growled deep in his throat and they all froze.  The door opened, and the first of the invaders pushed into the lab.

He never saw what hit him.

Quite literally.  He’d barely brought his flashlight up to survey the room—not that it could have made much difference against the Disco Party Protocol—when Balrog caught him in the back with his antlers.  Jane opened a portal in front of him, and Balrog shoved him through.  He was gone before he had a chance to do more than yell.

Darcy zapped the next man with her taser.  ‘Jane!  Portal!’  She was already swinging her croquet mallet as Jane brought the gun around.  ‘FORE!’ she yelled, the mallet connecting with a solid _thwack_ on his kevlar vest.  As he sailed backwards through the portal, she raised the mallet over head.  ‘Aw yeah!  Fear the Foe Hammer, nasty orcses!’

Pepper raised her glove and blasted a thug that was sneaking up on Darcy while she gloated.  At her request, Tony had permanently set Pepper’s repulsor to “Shake, Not Bake,” but it was still enough to knock him into the wall.

‘Maybe now is not the best time to reenact the _Hobbit_ , Darcy!’ Jane yelled, opening and closing wormholes so quickly the air seemed to shimmer.

‘On the contrary!’  Darcy tazed a goon who was attempting to climb on Balrog’s back.  ‘This is the _perfect_ time to reenact the _Hobbit!’_

Things got blurry after that.  Balrog and Darcy worked as a tag team to slow the invaders and shunt them into the portals Jane opened.  Pepper caught anyone who tried to get around them with repulsor blasts.

It wasn’t until Darcy swung her mallet only to have it bounce harmlessly off Thor’s head that Pepper realized the attack was over.

‘I did not bless your hammer so that you could turn it against me, Darcy,’ he said dryly.

‘As if.’  Darcy rested the mallet on her shoulder and grinned.  ‘I love Glamdring, but it’s no Mew-Mew.’

‘It is a noble weapon, nonetheless.’  He wrapped an arm around Jane’s waist as she came up next to him.  ‘We came to give you aid, but I see you have matters well in hand.’

‘I’ll say!’  Tony appeared behind Thor and waved at Pepper.  ‘We should retire and let you guys save the world for a change!’

‘Don’t you _dare!’_  Pepper hopped over the desk and punched Tony in the arm with her still-gloved hand.  He was wearing his suit so it couldn’t have hurt, but it was enough to make him rock back.

‘Hey!’ he yelped.  ‘Fiancee abuse!’

‘Oh, shut up.’  She popped his faceplate opened and pulled him down for a kiss, ignoring the whistles from Darcy _and_ Balrog.  

One thing was for sure, she'd never have to worry about her life being boring.

**Author's Note:**

> Clint taught Balrog to whistle, and when he could still fit in the vents, they would crawl above the Avengers, whistling ominously.
> 
> Darcy drags Jane out on Girls' Night, insisting she needs fresh air and socialization. The nightlife of New York still doesn't know what hit it.
> 
> I'm shamelessly taking advantage of the Pepperony engagement tease from Infinity War because it makes me SO HAPPY
> 
> As you can see, I'm still working through my Balrog 'Verse prompts. It's slow (between starting a new job and my as-yet unsuccessful quest to find an apartment I can actually afford, not to mention getting shamelessly distracted by other fic ideas), but we're getting there. I apologize if I butchered the Spanish. Like Jane, I took Latin in college instead.
> 
> As always, you can leave a prompt in the comments below, or come [shoot the breeze](https://taleasoldastime-andspace.tumblr.com/ask) on my tumblr. No smut, slash, or polyships, please and thank you.
> 
> Namarie, my little bilgesnipes!


End file.
